Malta’s heroes.

Malta is at war! We are under attack!

And it’s not from the Ministers stealing money off the people. It’s not from the government trying to control or shut down the free press, or the Prime Minister’s stranglehold over every arm of said government.

The murder of a journalist in our midst wasn’t a symptom of the attack either, nor is the continued haranguing of her grieving family.

The fact too that people like Neville “Libyan Visas” Gafa and Chris “Hard On” Cardona do not have to account for their travels or indeed what they do for the government at all is not the concern here.

Oh no. It’s those pesky foreigners, with their silly European Parliament and notions of democracy and accountability. It’s those daft journalists trying to ask questions to better serve the people of Malta and the European community as a whole.

But it’s ok, cause we’ve got some brave souls venturing to protect the island from this scourge called democracy. Our mighty soldiers of steel that Kurt Farrugia literally applauds for “standing up for Malta”.

There’s Rosianne “Nuxellina” Cutajar. Her enlightened commentary and relentless energy are a marvel. Others might have piped down or curled up in embarrassment after humiliating themselves so often and so publicly, but not our mighty warrior Rosianne! For she knows no shame!

She will protect us by screeching (on and on) about how that nasty MEP Ana Gomes should keep looking for Madeleine McCann and mind her own business. And of course she helpfully informs us that every criticism levelled at Malta is the product of the evil machinations of the PN. And her spelling? How dare you criticise her use of basic English you nasty foreigner!

Then there’s the robust character of Emmanuel Mallia, bravely defending us by explaining that foreigners simply do not understand “the inflammatory tone which the political debate tends to adopt in Malta”. His performance at European Parliament was inspired – he sure showed those hateful Europeans what the Maltese are made of! With a little help from Azerbaijan of course.

Thank goodness too for councillors like that Daniel Zerafa from Marsaxlokk, who kindly told that busybody Cami Appelgren (you know, the one eternally cleaning up the island because the Maltese won’t do it) to mind her business. Where would we be without people like him eh! Absolute genius!

The Prime Minister Joseph Muscat is all for pushing them durrty foreigners back (except when we’re bringing them in as slaves from Turkey). Hell, he never liked the EU anyway.

Fortunately the opposition agrees with the government on most things, not least of all those awful foreigners. Those “clans” of trouble are scaring our children don’t you know? They’re not of the right quality!
So we should be grateful to Adrian “delightful” Delia too -that heroic figure -for everything he’s doing for the village of Malta.

And even the little fellas like Sandro Mangion, Carmelo Abela’s aide, are doing their bit to uphold Malta’s fearsome reputation as people who will not abide by that civility and freedom malarky. He courageously called Sarah Clarke of PEN International a “biased shithole” – proudly representing Malta’s manners and linguistic abilities.

We would have loved to have listed more – for their are more – but to any one complaining: u iwa, mhux xorta.

But to those who did make the list – all our small-island legends, making lots of noise in the world and garnering Malta a solid reputation that will live on for decades to come – we say thank you and salute your courage.

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